The reality is what it could have been. So many make different choices, easier choices for their unborn children. By God's grace alone, Bailey's birthmother made the difficult choice, and for that we love her. To be so selfless, so confident... it is truly something I am not sure I am. In the beginning, one question Christian and I often were asked was "How could a mother give up her child?" We used to get so offended by this question - I felt like I had this mission to protect Bailey's birthmother from judgement. People had no idea - she didn't "give anything up" - I was always at a loss of words for how people could assume the worst in people. My friends and of course our family knew what a special blessing this was and they understood the hardship. I was the only one who really knew her. She is beautiful, smart, carries herself with the utmost class, charismatic, and spiritual. The honest answer to the question always was, "I don't know, I couldn't." I could not do what Bailey's birthmother did NOT because I am better, or more fit, or more mature, or more honest, but because I am too selfish. I could never see how my selfish desire to avoid the heartbreak of loss does not hold a candle to my capacity or ability to raise a child the way they deserved. I would have rejected the idea that someone may be a better fit than I simply because I could never admit my own flaws. Or worse, make the other choice - only to avoid having to deal with the situation all together.
I frequently have meetings with Bailey's birth grandmother, but I will never forget the first. It was the first time we had seen each other since the hospital - when I walked in, her Meme (as we affectionately call her) held Bailey for the first time again and proclaimed,
"Bailey, you are truly a child of God!"
I loved this because I loved the candidness of it, and also because I had not really thought of it that way before. Bailey's entrance into the world was not by her birthmother or me or an agency, but was written by God. I realize that all children are God's gifts, but for us, this one is extra special. All the odds were against Bailey - for various reasons - but she was born, on Christmas Day of all things... perfect, beautiful, and healthy. Only God can deliver such perfection - and that is what I often call Bailey... "My walking perfection". Meme's words were so true.
I realize that everyone has a story, and that each believe that theirs is of such exception, but I guess it is my same selfish nature that makes me believe that she truly is unique.
Christian and I had vowed that we would raise our children in God, and we have kept that promise in Bailey. On June 4th, 2011, Bailey was Christened making her a true child of God.
A wonderful friend of mine gave Bailey a book, and inside it read no truer words...
God said "Let there be light" on day number one.
Then he lit up the world with the rays of His sun.
But in His great plan, there was more to be done...
God imagined you Bailey, in his plans from the start
and carried love for you, deep in His heart.
Now he holds you so gently cupped safe in his hand
And fills you with warmth as His sun lights the land
Under his brilliant blue sky, you came to be born
He created you Bailey, like his evening and morn.
In his peaceful white doves flying over the trees
His spirit whispers to you, like a soft gentle breeze
His love streams to you like an oceans great tide
It spills out in abundance and stretches so wide
He sends forth his great love in joy and elation...
and watches over you Bailey, You're his special creation.
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