Monday, March 9, 2015

Our Purpose

I believe in balance.  I truly do.  I think that everything is in balance - no one can have it all, good or bad.  With that said, Christian and I are starting to think that something REALLY awesome is about to happen for us!  It has to...

A few weeks ago, I spoke about feeling like I had been lost - mainly because I felt like we couldn't catch a break.  I got back into my yoga, running, and trying not to destroy a carbohydrate every time I saw one... For the most part, I was feeling good again!  Getting those endorphins flowing was just what I needed!  But then... another wall.


We had to put Otto down.

I cannot even wrap my head around what happened, because it was so fast.  The short end of it... he had a neurological issue.  We did everything - professional training, multiple vet visits, sensitivity training, behaviorists... you name it.  He basically as far as anyone could tell would fall into these "seizure" type spells and become extremely aggressive.  Christian had been bitten 4 times, the vet was bitten once, and myself once.   While running him a week earlier, he out of nowhere went in on a lady we passed at the park.  Nothing was working and his last bite was three Monday's ago... It was Christian, again.  I tell people that Christian always got bit, because I had stopped touching him.  Christian refused to let him win, and kept trying to love him - Otto would do so well for a stretch and then inevitably snap and go into this fit of rage.  Tuesday we took him in to the vet and that is when they told us what the only solution was... In the words of our vet...

"I will NEVER condone an aggressive dog to live in a home with a child."

We spent the rest of the week networking, calling, emailing EVERYONE.  I wanted so badly to find a rescue for Otto or another home... but no one would take him with a bite history.  The tears... oh, the tears.  It was so hard.  When we lost Monk and South, they were old... and they passed in their sleep.
Otto was only 14 months young, I felt like he deserved a second chance but his behavior was getting worse and more and more unpredictable.  I told Christian that it didn't make sense to put him down... "if our child was behaving badly, we wouldn't euthanize her!"  His response, "If a child attacks you in your home, you kick them out.  We can't just take Otto's collar off and open the front door and tell him to get lost..."  I suppose he was right :-\
Christian and I felt like if it were just us, we would have kept him... but I could not keep him with Bailey.  Never.  I would never forgive myself if something happened... I also could not take him in to the vet that day.  Christian called me and said, "we need to make this decision."  I told him that he knew what had to be done, but I couldn't do it and I couldn't even be a part of it... very Pontius Pilate of me.
Three days later, I came home... Christian's car was in the driveway.  I walked in and immediately noticed that Otto's kennel was gone, his bowls gone, and his toys gone.

Christian amazes me with his strength.  He always gets stuck doing the hard stuff around here.
I started crying - ugly crying.  It was so sad.  Otto was so sweet... 98% of the time.  But that 2% was so bad.  Bad enough that we made a decision that I hope no one I know ever has to make.

I asked Christian how he was.  He told me he cooked him an entire pound of ground beef in bacon fat and let him eat the whole bowl.  He said that they prayed together and then he took him over to the vet.
We received his ashes 2 days later.

With Monk and South, we kept their ashes in the house.  But with Otto, we are planning to bury them out back next to St. Francis.  Christian thinks that since he loved to bite people, that maybe we should bury him out back... to protect the house - in spirit :)

I called my dad the other day to tell him and could hardly speak.  It is just too hard.  Until now, I really have only told 2 of my friends.  I am just too sad to tell people, and a part of me is a little embarrassed and humiliated.  I hate the thought that we could have done more - but we did everything.  We saw two different vets and got the same answer from both.  They assured us that there is nothing that we did or could have done, he was just a rare case.  He was sick.  He was not happy.  I guess some people are born completely nuts, and so are some dogs...

I have to ask myself "Why?" Why did we get stuck with this dog?  I think that after some prayerful nights, I have come up with the best answer possible.  It was our purpose.

There are a lot of people who buy dogs and a lot of them are terrible owners.  I especially think that with breeds like Rottweilers, a lot of people abuse them and exploit their strength.  Christian and I love Rotties - we love their power, strength, and confidence.  We also respect it and know that if it becomes stronger than you, then there is no turning back.
I believe in a weird way that God chose US to have this dog because he knew that we would make the right choice.  He knew that there could have been so many other bad people who would have loved to have a dog with this natural instinct.  Not us.  The vet even said that making this decision is the most responsible decision.  We recognized the illness and we recognized the dangers of it.  Christian and I have a bizarre love for dogs.  That is why I have a St. Francis statue in the yard - the protector of animals.  He is my favorite :)
I guess in a way, God revealed to me yet something else I did not know of myself.  Was this my "life purpose"?  Certainly not, but it was a mini-purpose... one that God had already armored us for.

The true irony of all of this is that 10 days prior to putting Otto down, we saw this little rescue puppy online and decided to adopt her.  We have always had two dogs and thought Otto would benefit from having a little friend.  They actually got along great!  I just never thought that just as fast as we got Rizzo (our new pup) that we would be losing Otto.
God works in mysterious ways.  Then, maybe, he put Rizzo in our life right at this moment for a reason.

We miss Otto... the mailman does not... I still think I see him, laying over there in the corner but then Rizzo walks in and I know that he is gone.

Rest in peace sweet boy.




Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace. 
Where there is hatred, let me sow love
where there is injury, pardon
where there is doubt, faith
where there is despair, hope 
where there is darkness, light 
where there is sadness, joy.
Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console
to be understood as to understand
to be loved as to love 
For it is in giving that we receive, 
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned
it is in dying that we are born again to eternal life.

- Prayer of St. Francis





























No comments:

Post a Comment