That's cool. I mean, if people want to be a part of something, that is fine - but for me, my knowledge about what infertility meant, how to deal with it, and how to build my family once it was realized did not come from an interest group.
Those emails did however bring me back to the place where Christian and I spent a good 4 years of our lives - INFERTILE
We were those people who "waited" to start having a family even though we both wanted lots of kids and after several dramatic episodes saw our dreams crashing. (I write about that here.) I swore if one more person told me that I waited too long I was going to choke them.
If one more person asked me WHY I "wasn't doing IVF" or that I was "trying too hard" or "do yoga" or "do acupuncture" or "meditate" or see "this doctor" or "that doctor" I was going to shove an ovulation stick down their throat.
Christian was on the other side - he felt like our sex life had played out into some twisted science experiment in our bedroom!
I watched every last one of my friends get pregnant and then get pregnant again! I did not want to seem selfish, but their joy just reminded me of my sorrow.
I have imagined lots of crazy things in my life but NEVER saw myself as an infertile person. I am an athlete, I eat well, I don't do drugs... What gives?!?!? I even have friends who tell me that they can spot an infertile person - but that I don't fit that image - I LOOK fertile! LOL!
I can also go on and on about the spiritual journey that Christian and I traveled together - it started with loving God, then hating Him, then not caring either way, then not understanding Him, then back to loving Him more than ever.
The bottom line is - here it goes... the cliche' - "everything happens for a reason" YUCK!
We are lucky that we were able to see God's plan play out in our lives... We now have Bailey - and she is as perfect as anything I could have ever imagined. Most people face trials in their life and never really see "why" but know that there is a reason... We got to SEE. A Child of God
I will also say that infertility humbled me and prepared me to parent. It taught me about compassion, heartbreak, loss, love, faith, and trust. All good qualities in being a good mom :)
Lastly, I will say that infertility is for life. I am no more fertile today than I was years ago - and in fact, am probably less! and the hard part is -
I. STILL. CONVINCE. MYSELF. EVERY. MONTH. THAT. I . AM. PREGNANT.
Yes, we have Bailey but something in me still WANTS. Maybe it is because no one ever really gave us a firm answer on why we couldn't... who knows. Either way - I am and will forever be CRAZY about getting pregnant.
I came across a blog post this week that led me to another post that I LOVED. This guy speaks of his and his wife's fertility journey and everything they said was 100% CORRECT. Christian and I have felt ALL of these emotions and heard ALL of these crazy things. I will link it below - but for now, I have copied and pasted - Enjoy this peephole into our life starting 4 years ago and continuing today.
Happy National Infertility Awareness Week! (lol)
"Two weeks ago, I wrote a post about the hilarious and exasperating journey of parenting small children. But for seven harrowing years of infertility, Mary and I would have given anything to have children, no matter how hard it was.
Here are ten words I would use to describe how infertility feels:
1. Lonely. We saw couple after couple get pregnant before us, our best friends included. When they told us, we high-fived them, then we went home, and hardly knew what to say to each other. We felt lost, sad, and even lonelier than before. We were excited for them; we were just very sad for us.
It’s okay to go home and cry your eyes out when your friends get pregnant.
2. Exposed. Everybody wants to give you advice, and some people say incredibly stupid things. My favorite: “You just need to stop trying so hard!” Some people want to know every excruciating detail of what you’re doing to get pregnant. Suddenly, your most private details are the subject of casual conversation. Once people know you’re trying, people want to know how it’s going, if you’ve done artificial insemination, if you’d consider IVF, and how it felt in that small white room with the gross leather chair & the bad magazines.
It’s okay to avoid the question, smile, and change the subject. Keep as many things private as you can (except to a few trusted friends).
3. On Hold. We were always checking the calendar, wondering if we should plan that vacation, or that work trip, because what if we’re pregnant? Then we stopped doing that, because we would have never lived if we would have scheduled everything around a “what if.”
It’s okay to miss a month or two; you have to live your life. This is hard, but over the long haul, it will create more stress if you feel so trapped that you can’t plan anything. We even found that it’s good to take a month off now and then.
4. Invaded. For women, there are so many things entering your body (probes, needles, drugs) and so many people measuring your progress. Even sex, at the mercy of a calendar or a temperature reading, can feel invasive. The loss of control can almost merge into a loss of self. But, it feels like once you’ve started down this road, there’s no stopping until you get pregnant.
It’s okay to say what you need, and it’s okay to shore up your boundaries in whatever ways you can.
5. Awkward. During one of the first visits where I was given the small cup and ceremoniously ushered into the small room, I actually ran into some people from my church afterwards. Of course they had their baby with them. I had a small cup that contained very personal contents with me. They asked, “What are you doing here?” I mean, what do you say?
It’s okay to laugh at yourself sometimes. And when someone catches you with your cup in your hand, that’s all you can do.
6. Angry. Unfair is the password that gets you into the infertility club. Mary tells a story of a friend asking her if she was angry with God. “No!” she blurted. “I’m angry at pregnant women!” She knew this was irrational, but she also knew that it was good for her soul to be honest in safe places. You actually may be angry with God, and you may need to find some safe places to be honest about that.
It’s okay to express the darkness, even the stuff you’re terribly embarrassed about, because it’s good for your soul. But in the right places, with people who can handle it.
7. Stressed. Even though it seems like a stressed out couple is less likely to get pregnant, The American Society for Reproductive Medicine finds that there is no proof stress causes infertility. Besides, trying hard to “not be so stressed about it” never worked for us. It also didn’t help to “just stop trying.” Everybody has a friend who was infertile for 73 years, and the day they stopped trying, they got pregnant. That never happened with us.
It’s okay to be stressed. Don’t stress about your stress. Trying hard not to be stressed is silly.
8. Despair. The cycle of hope and despair with infertility can take you out. I remember getting so excited when Mary was 2 days late, and just knowing that this time, it’s going to happen! Then, a few days or hours later, when she told me she got “it,” I would plunge into despair. The alternative is to temper your hope so that your despair doesn’t get so low. After about a hundred months of experiencing this cycle, we found that the best route is to keep hoping, and if it doesn’t happen, keep crying. It’s too hard to pretend that you’re not excited and that you’re not depressed. Be excited. Be depressed.
It’s okay to hope, and it’s okay to cry. Keep hoping and keep crying.
9. Loss. This was not how it was supposed to be. This was not what you dreamed it would be. And you don’t know how it will end.
It’s okay if you don’t know how to wrap your mind around your emotions. Be gentle with yourself for not totally having control of how you feel from moment to moment.
10. Ambivalence. Every time you have to go through another kind of treatment, you ask yourself: “Is it worth it? Do I really want it that bad?” And then in the very next breath, you are taken out by the sheer magnitude of how much you want a baby.
It’s okay to want and not want. That’s normal.
If you’re struggling with infertility, it can be such a dark time. You have to be out loud with each other about what you need, and every journey will be different. You have to give yourselves permission to do this journey in whatever way makes the most sense for you.
My blessing for you as you struggle: May God give you what you need, when you need it, over and over and over again."Posted from: The Actual Pastor
If you are new to my blog and would like to read more about our adoption journey or find hope for your own, you can start here:
Before We Had Bailey
The Agency Calls
The Waiting Game
Everyone Is Fine
Bringing Bailey Home
More Waiting...
Is It 5 O'Clock yet?
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| Eating with her chopsticks |
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| Dumplings, Bok Choy, and Sriracha... mmmm.... |
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| At the AAA game... the closest we can get to the Braves! |
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| It was sunny one day here for the first time in 6 months... we went for a jog :) |
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| Getting a pedicure with mama |
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| On her new bike |
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| We are ALL IN on potty training! |
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| Watching the turkeys parade by... |
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| Bailey enjoying her low country boil |
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| Terrible Twos |
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| At the Symphony Orchestra/Ballet Performance of Cinderella :) |
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| Not feeling the carriage |
